She Ain't You
by Clarry
Summary: It's been more than a year and Kendall's finally starting to heal after the break-up with James. He meets the perfect girl only to discover that with one step forward, he's taken three steps back. One-shot. Kendall/James, Kendall/OC.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters taken from the show. I wish I could stop writing about them, but I seem to have a problem. I make no money off it, either. Sadly.

**Author's Notes:**

So this one came about because I brought Kendall into "Keep Me in the Dark." We all know that's what happens when I bring Kendall into a Jagan story. He demands a story of his own. He wants James, usually. I hate him for that. Because then I write stupid stories like this that have no point except to shut Kendall up for five seconds. It was inspired by the song "She Ain't You" by New Hollow, which is a kick-ass band that you all should listen to. Seriously, they rock so hard and I can't get enough of their music.

And to be honest, I wasn't even going to finish this one. I wrote three pages the other day and Kendall was quiet, so I was able to move on. The only reason this ended up being attacked today is because I read two chapters of "Golden Slumbers" by **jdmazz **and as we all know, she writes amazing Kames and when I was finished, Kendall was screaming at me again that he wanted James. So I had to finish this. It hasn't been seen by anyone and isn't even close to my best work, it's more just rambly stream-of-consciousness fic that my brain spit out in a few hours and what matters is that now there's peace. Kendall's happy again. The man rules me, I swear.

So don't judge me for this. It's not well-thought-out or evenly paced or anything like that, it's just...a rambly one-shot. Feeling the need to get my unfinished stuff finished and done so I can move on to the next phase of life. Thank you for reading, and I love you for being so supportive and encouraging to me always. :)

* * *

Logan knew it. Kendall didn't much care what Logan thought, but it was still embarrassing at times when he'd get a knowing sigh every time he mentioned Jane's name. He couldn't help that their names were so similar, he hadn't even known that when they'd first met and Kendall had felt an immediate attraction to her. Logan had taken one look at her and his face fell, Kendall not understanding what the problem was until Logan had yelled at him and stated what was so obvious to him, what should have been so obvious to Kendall himself—Jane was a female version of James Diamond, all legs and shining brown hair with highlights that were golden in the sun. Her eyes were a lighter color, though, more green than the muddy hazel that James owned, and her hair was longer even if it was close enough to James' color that he ached to run his fingers through it and sometimes did when they were alone.

Her kiss was sweeter though, not rough the way James' had been, not hungry and desperate and sharing the same intensity that Kendall had always felt in James' presence, at least when they were alone and he allowed it to break free. She smiled at him kindly, was considerate of his feelings, treated him like someone who lit up her day rather than annoyed him, and most importantly she had no idea that his motives in dating her might not be completely honest. Once Logan pointed it out, of course Kendall saw her for what she was, a replacement for the man he missed with an ache so deep it left him empty and hollow until he was forced to move on or fall into that pit of despair he sank into every time James appeared on television or in a magazine when he wasn't expecting it.

He'd been doing well, too, or so he'd thought. Having enough of James and the pain of knowing he wouldn't ever have that part of his life back again, he'd finally brushed off the dust left when his bridge to James collapsed, had finally turned away to take a road he'd never been down before and walked the path of his life without James. Since they were kids James had been there, a ridiculous sort of person who nevertheless needed Kendall as Logan and Carlos did, needed his guidance and gentle persuasion (or sometimes even a vicious shaking or a slap) to set him on the right course again. James was stronger than Logan and Carlos, though, always having his own opinions and ideas and not needing Kendall in the same way the other two had, and maybe that's why it had developed into something more than friendship; there was a level of respect between them as strong individuals who lived their lives the way they chose to, not letting anything stop them from achieving their dreams and holding each other up when those dreams threatened to slip away.

Now they each had what they'd wanted most in life: Kendall had hockey, James had fame. It was perfect, really, except that neither had realized they'd end up losing each other in order to get those dreams. Well, maybe James had, he seemed to have no problem living without Kendall, but Kendall had always assumed things would stay the same between him and his friends. It was naïve really, because of course they'd all grow up and live their own lives in different parts of the country, but none of that had sunk in until Kendall was forced to move to Toronto for his time with the Maple Leafs. Logan had moved back to Minnesota then to finish medical school, Carlos all over the place shooting movies as a stunt man. James, of course, had remained where he belonged, where he'd always belonged-in Hollywood.

Before Kendall moved he'd had a talk with James and suggested they make trips to see each other as often as they could, Kendall not ready to give up what he had always imagined would be their future. James had laughed, actually_ laughed_, and said, "Kendall, you don't think we can continue this thing, do you? I'm starting to get really famous now, I can't risk anyone finding out about us. You can't, either, imagine what your teammates would do to you."

Standing in his empty apartment, dumbfounded, Kendall had gaped at James. "You're not planning to give me up, are you? We both know you can't go without sex for more than a week," he'd teased, hoping and praying James had been joking.

"I don't plan to. You shouldn't either, find yourself someone to warm your bed at night but make it a female, rumors get started otherwise. We almost got caught I don't know how many times, and to be honest it's almost a relief this is happening. It could ruin my career if it got out that we...you know."

Feeling weak but more numb than anything else, Kendall had stared at James in silence, feeling his world crumble around him.

"Kendall, you knew this was coming. You had to know, right?"

No, he hadn't known even though he should have. He should've known that when it came down to it, James cared more about fame than anything or anyone else. There had been times over the years when James had surprised him and put his friends first, but the stakes had never been so high as they were now. James stood on the verge of everything he'd ever wanted, closer than ever before with a solo album about to hit and contracts with big-name brands that wanted his face on their products.

"Kendall," James said softly, stepping closer and cupping his face. "Don't do this. Don't make it hard, just...you know I'm right. It's the only way to make our dreams come true. We have to say goodbye."

"No, we don't, this is stupid!" James' hand fell away as Kendall continued. "Who the fuck cares what anyone else says?"

"I do," James replied firmly. "I have to. I love what we have but it was never meant to last. I thought you knew that."

"What harm does it do for us to get together once in a while? Friends get together, James."

"I'll have to get a girlfriend soon. My agent said there are rumors and I have to kill them now before they ruin my image. I'm not always the nicest person but I don't cheat on my girlfriends, so it's best we don't even see each other. I don't know that I can trust myself."

"Wait, what? You're telling me you don't even want to hang out at all? _Ever?_ Not even with the guys, not even-"

"I can't, Kendall. I love you guys, but seeing you again is going to make me crazy, make me want you. I can't allow that, can't risk anything getting in the way."

"You're an asshole!" Kendall had yelled suddenly, the numbness now moving on to anger.

"Kendall, don't start with me. Just because you don't understand the way fame works-"

"I understand_ exactly_ how fame works! Three years of Big Time Rush taught me everything I ever needed to know about fame, and you know what I learned? It fucking sucks! I get no privacy, I have to hide the fact that I'm in love with my best friend, and now you're telling me I can't even see you again. Fuck that. Fuck _you._ Take your fame and enjoy it while it lasts, because when it's over and done you'll be alone with nothing but your gold records-"

"Platinum."

"Whatever!" Kendall screamed. "Take your platinum records and shove them up your ass, see if they feel as good as I do up there. And when you start to miss me, don't even think about coming back. I'm not sitting around waiting for you to wake up and realize how stupid you are."

James had sighed, shaking his head sadly. "You're just saying these things out of hurt. I know I'm amazing and it's hard to think of living without me but you have to be tough, you have to look at the big picture, Kendall."

"Fuck your big picture! You know what mine says? It says 'James Diamond is an idiot who doesn't appreciate what's right in front of him, what's been there all along.' Stop and think a second, James! Don't you remember Hawk? _Jamez?_ You were lonely and miserable even though you had everything you thought you always wanted."

"It's different this time. I'm older now, I know what I'm getting into. I already know what to expect and I've let go of anything that might hold me back."

"Right, because that's all we've ever done is hold you back. We didn't help you get where you are today at all."

"Of course you did, I'm not that stupid. But now it's my time. It's what I've always wanted and I'm ready. I'm sorry you can't understand that. I'd expect you to be the one person who does understand, who gets it. Nothing stands in the way of your dreams. You're the one who taught me about taking opportunities and risks! Why can't you understand this?"

_Because I love you. I hate myself for it, for loving a man who is so misguided and obsessed with things that don't matter in the long run, but I love you and I always have and I don't know how to live without you. If I'd known that was our last time together..._

But what would it have changed? James didn't want to hear words of love. He didn't want to hear that Kendall would miss him or that he wished things could be different. He wanted Kendall to understand. Knowing James well enough to realize nothing he said was going to make a difference, he said, "I'm going now. Call me if you need me, no matter what I just said. I'm always here for you."

"I know," James had smiled, stepping forward to hug Kendall one last time. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry, Kendall, it's just...it has to be this way."

"It doesn't, but...whatever. I won't stand in your way."

"Thank you." After a soft kiss that was possibly the gentlest and sweetest they'd ever shared, making Kendall want to cry because why hadn't they been kissing like that all along, James gave him one of those smiles that Kendall saw through every time, saw the broken heart beneath it and knew that no matter what James said, he was hurting.

"James, this is stupid. We don't have to-"

"Yes, Kendall. We do. Have a safe flight to Canada."

Heart crushed by the finality of James' tone, Kendall had picked up the last of his belongings and walked out without a backward glance, leaving behind what he'd always known.

* * *

It had taken Kendall over a year to even look at someone else as a prospective replacement for James. Carlos had advised him to just go out and have fun, to not think of "replacements" or falling in love but to "get out and enjoy life again, man." Because as fulfilling as the dream hockey career was, the emptiness that followed him into bed every night couldn't be banished by it. He hadn't lived with James since the Palm Woods days, both he and James stating they needed their space eventually and getting apartments of their own while Logan and Carlos moved into a big house with Katie and Kendall's mother. Truthfully he and James had spent much of their time at the big house, and Kendall had spent many nights in James' apartment, but as they weren't living together he thought this shouldn't be so hard.

It was, though. It was torture. Within two days of the move to Canada there were reports of James being seen around Hollywood with a tall blonde model who was everything Kendall hated in a woman. Her hair was perfectly styled, her make-up expertly applied, and her smile was practiced to the point it looked painted on. By contrast, she was everything James _did_love in a woman, and Kendall began to wonder what James had ever seen in him. This was the type of person James had dreamed of dating his whole life.

What James saw in him didn't matter, though, because it was over. Kendall needed to move on.

There were more girls over the year, rotating often enough that Kendall guessed none of them were serious contenders for James' heart, but that didn't matter, either. James wasn't interested in falling in love. He only cared about his image.

As Kendall's popularity rose in the hockey world, James' did in the world of celebrities. His first single dropped and was promoted so shamelessly it had no choice but to catch on, and the night he was on the ice and James' voice sang out to him he almost fainted. It was cut off abruptly when they skated into formation for the next play, but Kendall's performance suffered because he was so shaken. He knew then something had to change.

So he took Carlos' advice. He invited himself along to a bar one night after a game, the few teammates shocked because they'd given up on getting him to socialize, but of course they allowed him to tag along. It wasn't the most fun he'd ever had, and as he joked with the guys about the hot waitress he missed his own friends more than ever, but he continued to go out and eventually it became easier. One night a girl came on to him and even though it felt wrong and his heart was breaking, Kendall asked her out on a date. She said yes, and that was when things started to turn around.

The first date had been torture. There was nothing wrong with Debra. She was pretty and funny and sweet and all the things most guys want in a woman, but she wasn't James. He'd kissed her goodnight after their dinner date before crawling home to cry in his bed for an hour and then spending another hating James. When she'd texted him the next morning to ask if he was interested in getting lunch, he'd begged off and apologized but lied about having other plans.

Carlos called him, though, because they'd been caught by paparazzi coming out of the restaurant. Carlos was proud of Kendall, who felt like a heel when explaining that he wasn't going to see Debra again. After sighing a lot and urging Kendall to persevere, Carlos let him be.

Kendall had instead called Logan to cry, and Logan was sympathetic but maintained James wasn't worth crying over. "He's one of your best friends," Kendall had argued.

"Yes, but he's being an idiot. You know I can't stand him being an idiot."

Two weeks later Kendall got up the nerve to try again. He'd called Debra, who had moved on, and then went to the same bar and found a new girl to flirt with. It came easier this time because he was ready to stop hurting. They'd seen a movie and had a wonderful dinner, and the goodnight kiss was almost enjoyable. After two more dates with Olivia, they were considered a couple and photographed often when he was in town long enough to spend time with her.

Kendall was healing.

There were setbacks, of course. James would appear out of nowhere, his songs playing unexpectedly or his face on the cover of supermarket tabloids. The stories made up about him left Kendall shaking his head, and it was the first time he resisted actually buying one of the magazines that he understood things had changed. He was moving on, just like he'd promised James he would. It felt good.

Things had gone well for the next week, Kendall feeling like he was living again, and then Jane showed up. She'd been stranded near his house with a flat tire and as Kendall passed, he'd glanced back into his rear view mirror to see her on the phone and looking frantic. He liked to think he would've turned back for anyone, but once Logan opened his eyes to the truth of her resemblance to James, Kendall knew better.

But she wasn't James, so it was okay. Technically this didn't count as a setback.

She was wearing jeans and a sweater, the sleeves loose enough that Kendall could almost believe there were sculpted biceps hidden under the shimmery golden fabric that made her amber eyes glow beneath shaped brows and impossibly long lashes. She was even in boots, tall ones that reached almost up to her knees, and Kendall had always been a sucker for James in boots. Her hair hung down past her shoulders, the breeze picking it up occasionally as she turned scared eyes to Kendall and lifted up a set of keys to squeal, "I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Relax." With raised hands, Kendall approached hesitantly. "I'm one of the nice guys."

"That's what all the murderers say. You're cute, but that doesn't mean anything, either." She was still holding the phone to her ear, tiny can raised as if to do serious harm. "And I have the cops on the line."

"I just stopped to see if I could help. Promise. But if you don't want my help..." He shrugged and started to turn away just as thunder clapped loudly overhead.

"Can you change a tire?" she asked suddenly, and Kendall grinned before turning back.

"I can. Are we friends now?"

"Maybe. Do you have a tire?"

Laughing now, Kendall shook his head at the ridiculousness of her question. "I have four, actually. I assume it's a spare you're looking for?"

"Yes," she sighed, deflating as she lowered the phone. "I can't get hold of anyone who will bring me a tire. The last few places I tried are already closed."

"I thought it was the police you were talking to," Kendall smirked.

"Oh shut up, we both know I only said that because I was scared. But all it takes is one push of a button to get them on the line. Keep that in mind."

Kendall was smitten. In a matter of minutes, Olivia was forgotten and this gorgeous creature with too much make-up but otherwise perfect features had crowded herself into his heart. "I understand. I don't have a spare tire but I can get you one. Trust me for an hour?"

The war waged behind her eyes, Kendall suddenly hoping desperately she would cave, and when she nodded hesitantly he cheered on the inside. "Okay. I'll take you to get a tire. Come on."

She followed after locking up her car, quiet for a while until Kendall got her talking. Her voice was musical, low but with a tendency to get whiny when she was outraged, and he kept finding himself glancing at her profile as he drove. She was perfect.

She was visiting from out of town, only here a few days, and while the news disappointed Kendall, he determined to see her again. At least once before she had to go back home, though she was uncomfortable telling a stranger where home was. That was fine for now.

She paid in cash for the tire, Kendall giving her space to do her business as she was leery about strangers knowing too much about her, and he carried the tire out to the car and dropped it into his trunk before strolling around to open the door like a gentleman.

She blushed, a deep pink staining her cheeks, and settled into the seat.

They were almost back to her car when Kendall ventured to ask her name, and the answer jolted him but he showed no reaction. "Jane," she said while staring out the window.

"I'm Kendall. Do you have plans tonight with your friends or could I buy you a cup of coffee?"

He'd pushed it too far, she clammed up immediately, but then she'd surprised him by saying, "I'd really like that."

And for the next three days, Kendall was with Jane at every opportunity available to them.

* * *

He kissed her goodbye when she left, Kendall offering to drop her at the airport and ecstatic when she allowed it. Their first kiss was soft and sweet, Jane lingering at his lips until she was forced to move ahead in line past security. It was on his way home that he realized he'd never even gotten a phone number; she'd always called from the hotel. It wasn't as if they'd discussed or made plans to ever see each other again anyway, but it still broke his heart to think she was gone from his life forever. It wasn't a James Diamond-level of heartbreak, but it pained him all the same. How had he not even asked for a phone number?

But would she have given it? She didn't even like discussing details about her life. All she'd said upon leaving was, "I'll miss you." And Kendall had kissed her then, and there were no more words.

That night he'd texted Logan the only picture he'd managed to get while she was visiting, one he'd snapped while she was unprepared for it, and though she begged him to delete the picture immediately he'd only pretended to. Logan called Kendall within two minutes and berated him, stating that he thought Kendall was past this and what happened to Olivia? Lost because he had no idea why Logan was jumping all over him, he'd explained that his feelings for Jane were on a level Olivia couldn't compete with, and the dead silence on the line had Kendall asking, "What is wrong with you? I thought you'd be happy to hear I met someone special."

"Did you say Jane?"

"Yes, her name is Jane. So what?" He didn't care that he sounded defensive.

"Kendall. Please, Kendall. Let him go."

"This has nothing to do with him! I finally met a girl who makes me feel alive and you're yelling at me about James?"

"Kendall, look at her! Do you even understand what you're doing to yourself? Look at her! She's a female version of James! How do you not see that?"

And then it all made sense. Kendall did see it. But he wasn't going to feel bad about it, because his feelings for Jane had nothing to do with James. The whole thing had nothing to do with James at all.

* * *

He wasn't sure how he'd managed it, but while out with Jane they'd not once been hounded by paparazzi. Maybe it was because they'd stuck to small, local places around his house or her hotel. They'd only met in public, never in a place that would be inappropriate (as Jane seemed to be the kind of girl you treated right), and so Olivia had no clue Kendall was out with someone else. She called him a few times while Jane was in town and Kendall ignored the calls, feeling horrible about it but feeling even more guilty that he couldn't face her. He called her the day after Jane left, apologizing and explaining that it wasn't going to work out between them and even though he cared about her a lot, his heart wasn't where it needed to be and she should move on to someone more deserving of her.

Understandably hurt, she hung up on him. Three weeks later, she called him again and asked for another chance, even though he had been the one in the wrong. Back to being lonely again and missing Jane, Kendall had agreed to meet and talk. By the end of the night, they were together again. He still felt it was unfair to date her and told her that, but she said she wanted the chance to win his heart over completely and as she was a wonderful person in her own right, Kendall agreed to try again and see where it would take them.

Things went well for the next week. When he was home, they went out and laughed and the ache from losing both Jane and James dulled somewhat. He was starting to think that maybe Olivia was what he needed, she never left him in pain the way the other two did, and was considering asking her to come home with him for the night when he felt a pair of eyes on him from the bar of the restaurant they were in. Time slowed down, the sounds of conversation around them blurring all together, and Kendall's eyes swung over to meet the light amber ones staring back at him.

He was frozen, Jane watching with a sad expression that she managed to clear before turning away and standing, and Kendall was up and running after her in a heartbeat. "Jane!"

She didn't stop, not until Kendall caught up with her outside the restaurant, and even then she wouldn't look at him.

"Jane, please. Talk to me. I didn't know you were here. How long are you staying?"

She glanced at him and shrugged. "I haven't decided yet. I um. I just...I don't know. I shouldn't be here."

"No, don't leave, please. At least give me a phone number this time."

And then Olivia was there, Kendall feeling like the world's biggest piece of shit when she said, "Oh. Is this why my calls were ignored for a few days?"

"Olivia, I'm sorry. I tried to tell you my heart wasn't in it...I really don't deserve you. I'm so sorry."

Jane moved closer to Kendall, reaching out to take his hand. The gesture shocked Kendall, who had expected her to be the one to back away and give up the fight.

"I don't know what you two mean to each other," Jane started, "but I'm here because I missed Kendall and I made a mistake leaving him. I won't make that mistake again, if he'll have me."

There was of course no contest. Kendall apologized repeatedly to Olivia, who didn't want to hear it but recognized a losing battle when faced with one. After whispering to Jane that he would be back, Kendall walked Olivia to her car and said his goodbyes, knowing she would probably never forgive him and hating himself for not having the guts to move on from James (because really, he understood now that Logan had been right and his fascination with Jane did in fact stem from James), but he just couldn't let this opportunity pass him by.

They'd returned to the restaurant and talked for hours, Jane giving up a little more information about her life this time, and Kendall thought this might actually work. When he said goodbye to her at her rental car, she kissed him sweetly and whispered again that she'd missed him, and Kendall held her tight before saying goodnight.

This time he got a phone number.

* * *

Jane was from California. They bonded over places they'd both visited and discovered a few common interests. For all her sweet and girly exterior, Jane had the heart of a warrior underneath and admitted to knowing of Kendall's position on the Maple Leafs. She claimed to have used the Internet to find out more after returning home from their first meeting and therefore knew enough of his background to ask questions about it. When asked about past girlfriends Kendall mentioned Debra and a girl named Jo he'd dated in California, but kept James to himself. No one needed to know about James and it was painful to talk about anyway.

When asked the same question, Jane stated that there had been one very special man she'd loved most of her life, but they'd each moved on after realizing it wasn't meant to be.

Knowing what that was like, Kendall could empathize.

They watched hockey and football games in the evenings, cuddled on Kendall's couch and eating food they had delivered, kissing only upon saying goodnight and Kendall satisfied with that. It certainly wasn't the level of passion he'd shared with James, but it was nice to have someone in his life he could share the moments with.

She stayed for two days this time, promising to visit again when she could and that she'd text and call every day. Kendall still didn't know a whole lot about her life, but he didn't need to. He knew she was a model. He knew she lived alone. He knew she was extremely busy and that coming to Toronto had been a hardship for her job, but he also knew he'd been worth it. That was enough.

"So you're done with Olivia, right? You're not going to get lonely and go back to her again?"

They were once again at the airport, Jane's head resting on Kendall's shoulder as they stood in line at the checkpoint.

"Promise." Kendall kissed her forehead before tilting her chin up, wishing he hadn't been so busy during the daytime and they'd spent more time together. "I'm glad you came back."

"Me, too."

Her lips left color on his as they did with every kiss goodbye, and Kendall thought maybe he could live with a woman who wore too much make-up.

Things went well until he stopped for coffee on the way home. James' face was plastered across a magazine at the checkout, a look of distress crossing the pretty features.

"_JAMES DIAMOND GAY SECRETS!"_ was splashed above his head and followed by _"Insider tells of wild nights and week-long orgies!"_

Laughing out loud, Kendall picked up the magazine and tossed it on the counter next to his can of coffee.

_Serves you right. Should've just stayed with me, asshole._

Not that Kendall believed the orgy story, but it wouldn't surprise him to hear James had cracked and taken up with guys again. One thing James Diamond loved was to be fucked until he was screaming, cries of "Kendall! Yes! Fuck! Kendall!" erupting loudly and often as he closed in on his orgasm.

And that wasn't at all what Kendall needed to remember. Not tonight, not ever.

The dreams picked up again that night, the ones he'd had constantly for almost a year after moving to Canada. He woke up sweating and hard and aching, James' name at his lips as he throbbed before the emptiness took hold.

"I hate you, why won't you let me move on?" he whispered, tears now streaming. He dug on the nightstand for his phone, pulling up the four pictures he now had of Jane. She was beautiful, she was amazing, and she looked so much like James that he threw the phone across the room where it fell and broke into pieces.

And then he laid back down and sobbed into his pillow.

* * *

When his mother called to inform him he needed to make plans to come home for Carlos' birthday, Kendall's first reaction was to refuse. He knew what it meant, knew that Logan had already received the same phone call and that James would have, too. James didn't even have to travel, really, as Katie and Mrs. Knight had remained in Los Angeles in the house they shared with Carlos. He told her he would check his schedule and see what he could do, but made no promises.

Logan's phone call had been much less polite. He'd known Kendall would try to find a reason not to be there and had every argument ready, using his ingrained logic skills to get around each excuse. Kendall didn't give up, though, until Logan finally yelled at him that he was going to California for Carlos because it would devastate Carlos otherwise and no matter what had happened between him and James, Carlos deserved the attention. After a few more feeble excuses, Kendall caved. He couldn't avoid James forever, right?

And then the idea came to him. It might be a tad embarrassing, as the few who knew of his past with James would see right through the reasoning and know immediately that he was still heartbroken, but Kendall decided he needed the support Jane could offer and called her to beg for her company at the party. She lived there already anyway, it couldn't be too hard for her to take one night for him. Kendall chose not to think about the look on James' face when being introduced to Jane; one hint of a smirk and Kendall would punch him.

But Jane had other plans that night, plans she couldn't get out of. She was sorry, truly sorry, but her job depended it and she just couldn't drop everything even though she sensed how important it was to Kendall. He begged some more, pleaded with her, but she didn't budge and Kendall felt like a pathetic excuse for a man for trying so hard. He didn't know how he was going to face James again, knowing that James had written him off over a year ago.

The night before Kendall flew out to Los Angeles, there was a new interview with James Diamond. He stated that he was seeing someone and it was serious, and for the first time in his life he asked for the public to respect his privacy and give them space. It was the last thing Kendall had expected, the one thing that could break him over anything else, and he spent most of the night crying and trying to get over James for the last time.

When they met up tomorrow, he would have his game face on. He would tell James all about Jane, about how happy she made him, and maybe they could find it in themselves to at least make peace with each other.

* * *

Having flown in the night before, Logan picked Kendall up from the airport. They made small talk on the ride home, him rambling about hockey and Logan rambling about med school. A block away from the house, Kendall finally asked, "Is James there yet?"

"No. He'll be in later, had some things to do this morning. You know how he is, always busy."

"Yeah." Kendall fidgeted with the door handle, eyes on the passing scenery.

"You two haven't talked at all since you moved, have you?"

"No."

"Are you okay?"

"No." Logan started to sigh, but then Kendall added, "I will be, though. I'll be fine by the time he gets here. I wanted to bring Jane, but she couldn't make it. I would've loved to see his face."

"Really, Kendall? You want him to see that you're dating his twin?"

"Shut up, my feelings for her have nothing to do with James."

There was silence until they pulled up in front of the big house, and then Logan asked, "Did you happen to see his latest interview?"

Pain like a vise around his heart, Kendall nodded. "I'm happy for him."

"You are not."

"I want him to be happy. If that's what makes him happy, then...I'm happy."

"Kendall...there are rumors."

"There are always rumors about James, that's nothing new."

"Katie said..." Trailing off, Logan shook his head. "I just want you to be prepared. I don't want you to be blindsided."

"Fine, then tell me. What are these rumors?"

"That it's...the rumors are he's dating a guy. By the things he's said and gossip from people around him, it sounds like he's dating a guy."

"Oh." Blinking back hot tears, Kendall opened the door.

"Kendall-"

"That's fine. Whatever makes him happy." He stood up and slammed the car door, Logan grumbling but catching up to him and grabbing the strap on his overnight bag.

"Stop. I know what you're feeling."

"You don't know anything, Logan. You don't know what it feels like to be shoved aside because you aren't good enough, only to be replaced with someone who's just like you. Only better."

"I'm sure he's not better, it's just that James realizes now he was stupid and maybe there's still a chance for you two."

"Fuck that. I'm done. I wasn't good enough then, I'm not good enough now. And I have Jane. She makes _me_ happy." He chose not to mention that he cried himself to sleep every night.

"Fine. Just...go get yourself together so that you can pretend you don't still love him when he shows up."

"I will." Wiping his eyes, Kendall made his way into the house and greeted his family with a smile.

* * *

There was a tiny smile they shared when James was getting hugs from everyone, but otherwise it was as if there was an invisible force field surrounding each of them, like they were two magnets that kept bumping away from each other when pushed too close together. Both laughed too loud at jokes, found every conversation fascinating as long as the other wasn't within the line of vision, and offered to refill plates and cups at every opportunity as an excuse to run to the kitchen and away from the other.

Katie followed Kendall in after the cake was served, cornering him by blocking the door. "You're being ridiculous."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, Kendall. It's almost funny, but mostly it's just sad. Will you just talk to each other? He misses you."

"Bullshit."

"He does, he tells me all the time."

Spinning away from the refrigerator, Kendall's eyes widened. "He what?"

"Come on, I'm his best friend. He tells me everything. Well...almost everything. Except when he disappears for a few days and doesn't tell anybody where he's going. I always hope it's to see you, but it never is."

"Yeah, well...he's obviously got someone else in his life, so why would he come see me?"

"Because he misses you, idiot. You two were best friends forever. I know why you're not boyfriends anymore, but can't you at least be friends again?"

"We were never boyfriends, Katie. We were...whatever. Friends who...you know."

"Were in love."

"I was in love. He was just horny."

Katie rolled her eyes and heaved a heavy sigh. "Will you just go talk to him? You two are acting like you're in high school. I swear, Kendall, we talk all the time and he misses you."

"He sure isn't acting like it."

"Neither are you, but we both know it's true."

"Katie, I can't just-"

His words were cut off when James entered the kitchen, head tipped back to catch the last of the ice in his cup. He lowered his arm and then choked at the sight of them, or of Kendall rather, and then spun around fast to make his exit.

Katie was quicker. She nabbed him by an ear and dragged him back, him whining that it hurt and why did she always do that? The whining brought a vision of Jane to Kendall's mind, and as he stared hard at James for the first time in over a year he understood more than ever just how much she resembled James and how badly he was still pining.

_I'm pathetic. It's always been about James. How did I not see that?_

"I will lock you two in the basement until you make peace if I have to! Sit down and talk to each other, will ya? I don't make idle threats, you both know that. Learn to get along or spend the night in the basement. Your choice." As she left the kitchen she called back, "I'm the only one with a key!"

It was another full minute before either of them could lift their gaze from the floor. "Hey," James finally said.

"Hey."

"Want to um...backyard?"

"Sure."

James led the way, Kendall stepping up automatically to place a hand on his back as they moved, and it was exactly the gesture he used on Jane all the time. He'd never realized before that he'd always done it to James as well.

James lowered himself onto the porch swing, scooting over to make room for Kendall. The sun was setting, the sky full of dark pinks and oranges and purples, and it reminded Kendall of a bruise. They'd been nursing their own bruise for so long, and he supposed it was time to heal. Like the sunset, this phase of their lives needed to dip below the horizon. Maybe when the sun rose tomorrow, they'd be able to smile when thinking of each other.

_As friends. I miss my friend._

"So...how's fame?"

James chuckled. "Fame's...fame. Exactly what I thought it would be."

"Which means you love it."

"Mostly, yeah. How's hockey?"

"As amazing as I always imagined."

"Good. So you're happy?"

Kendall shrugged. "You?"

"Somewhat."

"I uh...I heard you uh...you know."

"What? Gay orgies?" James grinned, finally turning his head to look at Kendall, and Kendall laughed.

"Yeah, I didn't believe that one. But the uh...the..."

"Just say it, Kendall."

Chest tight, Kendall said, "The gay thing. I believe that. Sorry dude, but you love to be fucked."

After a moment of silence, James replied, "You would know."

"Yes, I would," Kendall smiled, and the awkwardness was gone. They could talk about it again, even though it still hurt. "You look tired."

"I'm exhausted. I never stop."

"That's your own fault. Take a break once in a while. Get away for a few days."

"I manage to. Sometimes."

"So I hear," Kendall slid in smoothly, watching James' cheeks color. "Does he make you happy?"

"Yes." James' voice was soft, reminding Kendall again of Jane. "So happy I never want to come home."

Nodding even though it wasn't what he wanted to hear, Kendall smiled. It was what he _needed_ to hear, and maybe now he could move on. "I'm glad. You deserve that, you know. To be happy."

"So do you. Got anyone special?"

Knowing that it was time to let James go, and in effect let Jane go as well, Kendall shook his head. "No."

"Really?"

"Really."

"That's not what your girlfriend says."

Kendall's head shot up, eyes glued to the profile that still made him ache. "Excuse me?"

"Hollywood's smaller than you think. Everyone knows everyone, Kendall."

"You...you know Jane?"

"Very well." With that smirk Kendall had been dreading, James turned to him. "She'd be hurt to hear that she's not special."

"She is, it's just..." Kendall stood up, restless. "I'm dating her for the wrong reasons. She's perfect, so perfect, except..."

"Except?"

"I don't need to answer that."

"No, you don't. Because I know why you date her. And I'm sorry. For all of the pain, all of the sleepless nights, all of the dreams you wake up from in agony. I'm sorry for putting you through that."

Kendall had told no one of the agony, or the dreams. But of course James knew, because James knew him. "It's in the past. Let's move on."

"I'd like that, Kendall."

"So would I."

When James stood, Kendall moved into the embrace. Strong arms around him, holding him tight, and except for the fact that the arms were around his shoulders rather than his waist and that there wasn't long hair tickling his ear, he could've been hugging Jane. _Fuck, I had no idea. She's just like James, I'm so pathetic._

"I'm here because I missed you and I made a mistake leaving you. I won't make that mistake again, if you'll have me."

The words sent shivers down his spine, an exact echo of Jane. It shook him, leaving him blinking as he stepped back. "I...it's okay. We're gonna move on. You've got your guy, I've got..." _Nothing. I have nothing._ "I've got my buddy back."

"Yeah?" James grinned.

"Yeah. Come see me in Toronto sometime. You can come to a game."

"I want that. I really want to come see you."

"Good." Unable to keep the smile off his face, Kendall asked, "Are we friends now?"

"Maybe," James said coyly.

"Maybe?"

"Maybe," James repeated, shrugging. "Do you have a tire?"

It all crashed down around Kendall then, and even though what he really wanted to do was punch James, what he wanted even more was to kiss him.

And so he did.

* * *

"_**She Ain't You" by New Hollow**_

_It's been a while since I saw your face_

_Maybe it's helped me move on_

_But I met a girl not a day too late_

_And of her I'm awfully fond_

_And I hope my remedies don't show_

_As I try to, try to let you go_

_Cause it's awkward, oh so hard to see_

_The similarities_

_She's got your hair and she's got your eyes_

_She's got your exact same horoscope sign_

_She may be pretty, she's something new_

_But that means nothing, she ain't you_

_I find it hard not to look your way_

_But I get in what I can_

_And I find this song just a bit cliché_

_But I pray that you'll understand_

_That there's nothing (nothing) on her mind_

_And she's far too (far too) far too kind_

_If you miss me, kiss me one last time_

_At least for old time's sake_

_She's got your hair and she's got your eyes_

_She's got your exact same horoscope sign_

_She may be pretty, she's something new_

_But that means nothing, she ain't you_


End file.
